Previously on United States of Tara...
Max, I really appreciate how welcoming you've been.
I know Neil's your buddy.
Well, you're a stand-up guy, Nick, raising another guy's kid.
You might want to hustle out of here.
Neil's about to stop by.
He knows about the wedding being tomorrow?
- I came to say goodbye. - "Goodbye"?
With Charmaine getting married,
there's nothing left for me here, lifewise.
I need to get you out of this house.
It's really not that bad.
I want you to start looking in the paper at condos.
Maybe it is that bad.
Lionel really hearts me. We made out.
Who is Mimi?
Maybe a babysitter.
I wasn't your babysitter. I run a foster home.
I don't want to ride a tricycle.
Oh, my God. It's... Chicken.
Chicken was Tara's nickname when we were little kids.
Promise me not one word
to mom and dad till Monday morning,
while I am dealing Nick his bridal-suite blowjob.
Open up the sky.
This mess is getting high.
It's windy, and our family needs a ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
Oh, my God! It's all happening!
Max, you did it!
Sometimes I do all right.
I mean, it is seriously everything I dreamed of.
Yep. And mom and dad are gonna show up any minute now.
I want them at my wedding.
And mom's gonna do that thing
where she holds her arms open like she's a warm person.
Max, could you do me a favor
and hot-glue-gun her lips together for me, please?
And you're gonna let a man who basically gave us away
give you away.
You know what?
It's just a symbol, okay?
It doesn't mean anything to me.
Oh, it doesn't mean anything to you
that we were in motherfucking foster care?
I just feel like until we get the truth out of them...
We got the truth. We lived at Mimi's.
Uh, you're forgetting the bigger question, Char...
What were we doing there in the first place?
I don't know, Tara. You know what?
Maybe today...
Maybe today I don't really care about any of that.
Well, maybe today I don't want to see mom and dad.
What are you saying?
Please, lady,
just put on a simple frock and sit there, okay?
- You don't even have to smile. - Good, 'cause I don't want to.
Good! Don't!
Oh, God!
You see my point, right?
Oh, yeah.
Don't say you also see hers.
I'm only looking at yours.
Feeling a little faint. I just grayed out.
Keep blowing.
You know, I think it's nice to reset the memory
of blowing up balloons as something less skeezy,
like love.
Love.
You refer to your balloon-centered prostitution empire?
That was not prostitution.
I never showed anyone my boobs or my giney.
"Giney."
Oprah ruined "va-jay-jay."
People bought you stuff so they could boss you around.
If that was prostitution,
then every wife on this street would be a hooker,
plus the stay-at-home dad
who's married to the lady chiropractor.
What does that say about Zach getting you a condo?
Hey, Moosh, got to do what's right for me.
I got to start my own life.
Aah!
Hey, any sight of them yet?
No.
Because I hear dogs howling in the surrounding blocks.
I want to hide.
Just do it. I won't tell.
Pop out the last minute, watch the thing, then bail.
Here they come.
Where you gonna hide?
Nowhere, I guess.
Maybe right here, behind my face.
Hey, look at that... your mom's driving.
Huh. That's weird. Dad never lets her drive.
Prepare yourself for the world's bullshittiest hello.
Hi!
Hey, what took you guys so long?
Hey, Max, you ever heard of the Grunion run?
Grunion run? No.
Your father's discovered the Internet.
He wants to go to California.
Get the gift, Frank.
San Luis obispo.
Apparently, people go out in the middle of the night
and grab them with their bare hands.
Grab them with their bare hands.
Frank, the gift.
I just had a long talk with his doctor.
I'll fill you in later.
Bye-bye, froggy alarm clock.
There is no lily pad for you
at my new top-floor penthouse suite.
I love the way that sounds.
"Top-floor penthouse suite, please."
Who are you talking to?
You.
We're in the elevator,
and you're pressing the button so I can watch it glow.
"Top floor" and "penthouse" are redundant.
"Penthouse" means "top floor."
Mm.
That is one of the many things you can teach me
when you visit me at my own place!
Oh, I will do more than visit.
We can eat dinner together...
make bubble baths...
sit on white furniture naked.
Hey, Kate, do you want to...
Hi, dad.
This is Zach.
Zach.
Pleasure.
What, uh... what's in the box?
This?
Oh, this is for goodwill.
Just paring down to a few essentials, you know.
I'm green like 'dat.
Okay. That's good.
Okay.
When are you gonna tell them?
Right as I'm leaving.
Kind of like,
"hey, family, I'm just not that into you!"
I wish I didn't have to boycott the wedding today,
but it's unfair, Marshall.
Breeders take everything for granted...
marriage, babies...
leggings.
You could wear leggings.
You wore leggings in "MacBeth."
The Scottish play?
It's only unlucky to say it in a theater.
MacBeth! MacBeth!
Okay, any straight person who gets married
while the country still considers gay marriage illegal
is basically a holocaust denier.
Hmm. That seems a bit of a stretch.
A person who stands for nothing
spends their whole life sitting.
Well, just so you know, I'm tired.
I need to sit down sometimes.
What do you have to be tired about, boy?
My mom went on a trip to meet her molester,
and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt.
I want to hug it better.
Can I hug you?
Please just come to the wedding and sit next to me.
Okay.
I'll come to the wedding.
Without signs or bullhorns
or anything close to a protest.
I will keep my big, fat, gay mouth shut.
For you.
Thank you.
Big... fat... gay... mouth.
You've reached the parmeters.
Can't take your call right now,
so go ahead and leave a brief message.
Hi, this is Tara... Gregson.
I'm, uh, I'm calling to apologize for...
well, during our visit, I know I was inappropriate,
and, uh...
But I... I... I have so many questions,
and I was really hoping...
dad, what are you... God, I could have been...
Did you know that also in San Luis of Pismo,
there's this place called Bubble Gum Alley?
A whole wall made up of chewed-up chewing gum.
I mean, if you have... if you have a computer,
we could Google it together.
Well, I'm... I'm getting ready for the wedding.
Is there something you need, dad?
Oh, God.
Oh, it's all, uh...
it's all, uh...
I've made so many mistakes.
Too many mistakes.
I wish you girls could have had your brother here
for Charmaine's graduation.
Well, this is Charmaine's wedding.
Charmaine never graduated from anything.
And we don't have a brother.
From my first marriage.
But he wasn't well.
You aren't well.
Must be my sperm.
Eh, two out of three. Who knows?
What are you talking about, dad?
Ooh. Gay boys in love.
Ooh. Straight people in love.
Hey, Ted.
Felicitations.
I'd lay off the cock-smoking tonight, boys.
Asparagus?
Eh, don't let her scare you.
A few Spears of fresh pineapple clears it up.
Take it from me.
Now, I've got ivories to tickle.
Oh, Zach, this is my brother's...
boyfriend.
Nice meeting you.
Making food for the happy event?
Oh, happy for some people.
Harder for others to enjoy when this country...
Lionel, please.
No, no, let him... let him finish.
Nothing. I just...
I just think that Obama
led the gay and lesbian community astray, that's all.
Hmm.
I'm not sure about that.
Not that I voted for him.
What?
You're a Republican?
I liked Ron Paul.
But my real problem is with the way the gay community is attempting to be heard.
Just tell me something that no one on your side seems willing to admit to.
Deep inside, you actually believe
that marriage is for pussies and dicks.
Well, I guess I'd have to say yes.
I'm out, Marsh.
Sext me when the wedding is over.
Wow. Well, Lionel's in quite a mood.
Ron Paul? Really?
Don't touch!
I just put on my body bling.
People expect me to have some stupid pregnant glow.
Dad just said the most fucked-up thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Dad hates Indians... whatever. Dad's crazy.
No, no, I was in the bathroom, and dad came in,
and, okay, he didn't exactly make that much sense,
but he told me we have a brother.
A brother? Come on.
Yes!
I mean, he said it in a totally disjointed,
early Alzheimer's, dad-like way,
but he said, "you and your sister have a half brother."
"And I was married before I met your mom."
Well, let's see.
Dad also thinks that Bob hope's still alive,
that Kate's name is Patricia,
and that I'm still in community college.
Don't you think he's a little confused?
Or maybe he's having a lucid moment.
Tara...
Do you know what today is?
Today is my bullet train to a new life.
Nick sails, Tara.
I mean, they have a sailboat.
They're normal people.
And they're making room in their normal-people group photos...
for me.
If my body doesn't bling,
if our dad doesn't walk me down the aisle,
if my sister ditches... okay? At the last second,
then these normal people will know...
That there is something wrong with me.
Oh...
And I will never get the fuck out.
I want to come to your wedding, Char-Char.
Can I be your flower girl?
Oh!
My God. You've got such a beautiful long neck.
Like a Modigliani.
I get that constantly.
Wow.
Okay, can you do that harder or not at all?
It's like there's a radio in the other room,
but I can only hear it enough to go crazy.
You're stressed being here among all this, huh, sweetie?
Yeah, well, weddings blow, as a rule of thumb.
It'll be wonderful to see you
finally get some of your boundaries up,
get away from here.
I don't think I need to get away from here, per se.
I'm just over this house and its lack of pool, gym,
white-and-gray marble countertops.
Well, we're not getting you your own place for the amenities.
I want to protect you.
I don't need protection.
You live with sick people.
Sick person. And I love her.
Of course you want to cover for her.
That's natural in an abuse situation.
But your instincts are off.
My instincts?
I am not the one comparing women
to massively distorted modern paintings.
- Kate, I'm... - And the other thing that bothered me
is you basically implied that my brother isn't good enough to get married.
And you keep calling my mom crazy.
I am the only one that can call my mom crazy.
You know what?
I think that I would like to spend some time
with my fucked-up family alone.
Sorry, dude.
This is just not the place for a normal guy, like you.
Kate, I think you're overreacting.
Kate! That sure happened fast.
Just give me one second, nay nay.
Okay, fella, off you go.
I don't understand.
I don't, either.
Or the... or the fish.
Chicken! So if you could...
Tara, stop it.
I... I'll be with you in... in a minute.
Char, I... I need to talk to you right now.
Not now, Nick. Tara needs me.
If you could just give me one minute, Charmaine.
Please, look, I need you
to be strong enough to be my man, okay?
Just like our song says.
You need to do something about her.
I would if you would let go of my arm.
Nick, your fingers are digging into my skin.
I mean, Jesus, how much am I supposed to put up with?
I already agreed to raise your baby.
Oh, just play along, everybody.
It's funny.
It's for Youtube.
You've made me so happy, sweetie.
Thank you for marrying me.
Let's plow.
Come here, honey.
Good afternoon, friends, loved ones.
Aren't all of God's children so very precious?
Chicken, come here.
Come with me. Come here.
Come over here. Come on.
Max, maybe you could get her some bubble wrap or something?
I think she needs something to play with.
Bubble wrap?
We have gathered today...
to witness the union of Charmaine and Nick.
Over the past short while, I have had the distinct pleasure
of getting to know this beautiful couple
as they have written their vows.
I've always said that...
Um, Father Matthew, could you just...
everyone... I'm sorry.
I'm, uh...
those of you who know me
know that I've always tried to keep an eye out for signs...
signs to help me figure out right from wrong.
And, uh...
and when I met Charmaine,
she was just such a boatload of signs,
I thought maybe it was just the universe messing with me.
Anyway, but... now I know what those signs meant.
That... this marriage...
Doesn't want to happen.
Oh, God.
And it's not going to.
I'm sorry, Char.
Let's go.
Is that a yellow cake?
It looks like yellow.
Everybody loves yellow cake.
Wake up, Char-Char.
I said wake up.
Stop.
Ow! Fucking Chicken!
You fucking hurt me!
Ohhh. I didn't mean to.
I said I'd never let you get hurt.
I'd do everything... to...
protect you.
I don't know what happened, Char.
I don't.
But it's not my fault.
It's theirs.
Give me a couple of these roses, too.
Everybody loves the roses.
We can't eat all of that.
Frank, we'll freeze.
We went to Lawrence yesterday and met Mimi.
She told us she was our foster mother.
We had a foster home.
We lived with her for... I don't know how long in 1976.
I was 5, and Char was 4.
How could you leave us there?
That's enough. My freezer's not that big.
I'm not so sure about those dates.
God, mom, I don't care about the dates.
What I really want to know is...
Why?
I'll tell you why.
Okay. You and your sister have a half brother.
I told her.
Yeah, he told me, but you also said he was losing his mind.
I mean, I never know what to believe anymore.
Okay, when I married your father, I didn't know...
- She didn't know... - That he already had a son.
And when you were girls, the boy came to live with us.
His name was Bryce.
That's what I said to you, Char.
I don't...
He had troubles.
His mother sent him to us. He had nowhere to go.
He was a part of me.
Tara, when you told me what was going on,
I didn't want it to be true.
And then your father told me that he'd leave me
if he had to put the boy out.
And I... well, I didn't know what to do.
Are you fucking kidding?
So I... I got you girls out.
I got you both out to keep you safe
until I found a place for him.
No, no. No. This is not good enough.
This is not good enough!
I mean, you knew all this?
My whole life, you knew these things that could have helped me
and you kept them from me?
You should have protected me, mom!
Is he alive?
Where does he live?
I've dated a lot of fucking guys in this state.
We don't know where he is now.
It's the parents' job to protect the children.
I tried to protect you from him.
I'm sorry.
I hope you'll be able to forgive me.
We're gonna go.
Get the cake?
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't want that with all the frosting.
I got the cake, Frank. Let's go.
I love you, mom.
Me too.
Hey, Char.
Hi.
So, I, uh...
heard you didn't get married.
Nope.
Did Max call you?
Or did you hear it from the town crier?
Um, no, it was...
it was an old-fashioned newsboy, actually.
Yeah, he had the little cap on.
He said "xtre" instead of "extra."
Right.
Look, I'll tell you what... why don't you...
You know, put on those black sweatpants I like
and let's go get a drink?
Those are yoga pants. I don't wear sweatpants.
Okay, yoga butt, put on your yoga pants
and let's down-dog it to the Cat Five's
and get shitty, all right?
Let's just drink away the pain like a couple old friends.
You know you want to.
Actually, I do.
But I shouldn't.
Okay, I'll get a drink, and then you can get a...
A 7-Up?
A 7-Up... all right.
Um, do... do you want to... change out of that or...
Nah, fuck it.
Okay.
All right, yeah.
Um...
you... you just... look really, really...
really pretty.
Thank you.
I'm proud of you.
For what?
Everything.
I wish it'd been us getting married today.
I'd stand up in front of all these people
and I'd say, "I love this woman!"
Then I'd look in your eyes and I'd say,
"if you're Tara, I'll be Max."
But if you're Gimme, I'll be gotcha.
And if you're Buck, I'll be your bike.
"If you're Alice, I'll be your astronaut."
And I'd carry Chicken to the car,
even though I knew she was pretending to be asleep.
When did you become so perfect?
Since Shoshana put me on a low dose of Prozac.
I wish she could prescribe.
To be the master of.
And, darling.
My dreams could never come true.
Till you give me your love.
But good things come to those who wait.
And you're what I've waited for.
For you are all of everything.
I'll need forevermore.
I must have all of everything.